Mark Nelson
I just learned that unless something miraculous happens, a good friend of mine, Mark Nelson, is going to die soon from leukemia.
This is a hard concept to grasp.
I've known Mark most of my life. I don't know at which point I 'officially' met him—he is one of my dad's oldest and best friends—he is just one of those people that has always existed.
My earliest concrete memory of Mark is a hike that my family and I went on with him and his wife, Connie, to Dog Mountain, Washington, when I was 8 or 9. I don't remember much about the first half of the hike, it was wet, green and foggy (this was the Pacific Northwest afterall). But I have always remembered with clarity the second half of the hike. Instead of having to hike down this huge hill we had just climbed up, on my small little legs, Mark carried me on his shoulders, sometimes running, most of the way down. That sort of thing will have an impression on you as a kid. From what I understand from my parents, I apparently refused to walk down (you know how kids are) and Mark obliged my tantrum by carrying me. And I loved every minute of it.
But that was just the sort of person that Mark is. He always takes care of the people he is with. Always. When Mark was around, everyone with him was having a better time and felt better.
When I was really young (less than eight), my family did lots of things in the outdoors. My mom, my dad, my brother and me. You can tell by going back and looking at our old photos. Practically all the photos we have, it seems like, were taken on a trip of some sort. Whether it was backpacking in the Uintahs, or hiking in the canyons of southern Utah or skiing at Targhee, we did tons of interesting awesome things outside.
After my brother died, that practically came to a stop. My family was no longer whole and it was hard to get excited about going on trips when it was such hard reminder of what we had lost.
That is, it came to a stop until we started going on backpacking trips with Mark, Connie and another couple, Rob and Marie. This probably isn't true, but from the way I remember it, every backpacking trip I went on from 5th grade to 10th grade (with the exception of 2 or 3) was with Mark and Connie and/or Rob and Marie.
I know that these last few years I haven't been as active outside as I would like, so it might not seem like this is a large part of my life to those that have met me recently.
However, when I think about the image I have of myself in my head, that person is someone who loves backpacking, who loves the outdoors and who loves being in the wilderness, in the trees, out in the sun, crossing streams, sitting and reading by a lake, taking turns down a snow covered slope, and doing all the other hundreds of things you can do out there. Whether I display that part of me outwardly all the time or not, that is a big part of who I am.
And Mark is a huge, giant, enormous piece of that. It is hard for me to think about that part of me without thinking about Mark.
But that's just the start of it.
Sometimes the question comes up, what do you look for in a friend?, and one of my most common answers is, people who get excited about things. Well, Mark is one of those people. He has this just infectious enthusiasm for life. He loves sharing the things he loves with other people. Whether they were the outdoors, or Oregon, or the perfect way to cook hamburgers, you couldn't help but just get excited along with him.
When I was in high school, my dad and Mark started working on a project that they'd talked about for many years: to climb the highest point in every county of Oregon. So, of course Connie, my mom and I were right there too. One of the high points was in Morrow County (I think that's the right county) and from what we could tell on the map, it was a slight rise in an otherwise pretty flat area of dry, Eastern Oregon. Nevertheless, even though there was no promise of views or interesting scenery, the peak had to be bagged in pursuit of our goal. When we reached the unassuming field (after climbing a fence or two) it wasn't clear what point was highest. Well, Mark insisted (with vigor!) that we carefully evaluate each potential summit. So, we walked back and forth from dirt mound to dirt mound carefully making our decision. Once we had surmised the true high point, there was no summit register (obviously) and we had no paper, so we carved our names into a stick and put it in a glass bottle we had found and burried it on the peak. I wonder if it is still there. This just shows how Mark went about life. Everything could be an adventure. Even a 3/4 mile hike to a dirt field.
But his enthusiasm works in other ways too. If you've ever dealt with someone who is into the outdoors, a common subject of conversation is the gear. What gear did you choose? Why did you choose it? How do you like it? Well, it didn't matter how carefully you had thought about a purchase or how much you loved an item, if you talked to Mark about it, and he had come to a different conclusion about what to use or buy, you would come away from the conversation wishing you had what Mark had. It was truly amaing. And it wasn't a negative thing, it's just that after you were done talking with him, you couldn't help but be excited about his choice.
Anyone who has met Mark Nelson can tell instantly that he is a very smart guy. You talk with him and he listens, and when he talks, you can tell he has thought about what he is saying. I truely believe that Mark was capable of doing anything he wanted to. And Mark worked as a tire salesman. Some people might not think that was a very interesting or worthwhile job, and who knows, I've never done it, they might be right. But Mark figured out what he loved in life, and that was being active, being with Connie and being with the people important to him, and then structured his entire life around making it so he could do more of those things. He didn't buy into preconceived notions about reputation or status or potential. He was just himself, and that was all he needed.
Anyone who has talked with me about how I feel about work knows it is something that I want to do the least amount possible of. Not because I'm lazy and not because I can't do it, but because there is so much else out there to do, why would I spend my life doing something that isn't as awesome? Mark was the first person I knew of that seemed to feel that way too, and was living in a way that made it possible.
Looking back on my life, I've had role models come and go, people that I've looked up to, but I can't think of anyone that has been more of a constant, huge role model for me than Mark Nelson. I want to have the sort of affect on the people around that Mark does. I want to have the sort of life that Mark has.
In the spring of 2008, Mark, Rob and I went on a backcountry ski trip. This trip will forever stand out in my mind as one of my favorite things I've ever done. But now it will have added signifigance, being the last real outdoor outing that I did with Mark.
This was the first time I had done something like it. The first time I'd actually used my telemark skis to their full potential. I had to rent skins for the trip, and I remember him explaining to me what constitutes good fitting skins. Think about wall-to-wall carpeting, he said (The skins should completely cover the bottom of my skis, 'wall to wall').
Rob and I drove to the rendezvous together and when we arrived, Mark was already there with one foot up on the bumper of his car, stretching his hamstrings. He was always stretching. When Mark exercised he wore a heart rate monitor so he could try and stay in his target workout zone. He was very conscious of his fitness and stayed up to date on the latest advice. He wanted to stay healthy so he could continue doing more of what he loved. I wore a heart rate monitor too, that day, so we could compare heart rates. On the first steep section, Mark's heart rate was 20 BPM below mine even though he was 30 or so years older than me.
It was a gorgeous day, with an amazing blue sky. As we skied up the Cooper Spur of Mt. Hood, I listened to him and Rob tell stories of climbs on the mountain. I listened to Mark tell stories of his life after high school, and of his travels around the country in his early 20s. He also told me some stories that I can't really go into the details about here because of their illegal nature (some of them involving my very own dad!). And at the top of the spur, you have this absolutely stunning view of Mt. Hood, up close and magnifacent. And then you just absolutely murder your thighs skiing down what you just spent the last few hours skiing up.
I will forever be grateful that on a week long visit to home, inbetween living in my car in California and crashing on Keri's parents' couch in Colorado that I had the opportunity to go on that trip with Mark and Rob. I always figured we'd have a chance to do it, or something like it, again.
If Mark sounds like an amazing guy from how I'm talking about him, it's because he is. I can't talk him up enough. You see, Mark Nelson is perfect.
Seriously.
I mean, you know what they say, "nobody's perfect" and Mark really probably isn't (this first clue being his susceptibility to Leukemia), but I never really got to know him well enough to know his flaws. The image that I have of Mark Nelson is the same image I've had since I was 8 and he carried me down that hill. He is an awesome, amazing, nice, intellegent human being who always had a smile for me, and always treated me like I was someone worth talking to. And he has never done anything to change that impression. Ever.
As I've been writing this piece it has been hard to not slip into refering to Mark in the past tense. The fact that I have to now make that effort and the fact that at some point in the future the tense will grammatically change, just brings me to tears. I'm really going to miss him.
From what I can tell, Mark is a pretty private guy, and my guess is that he would feel pretty uncomfortable knowing that I am posting this to my blog for the world to read. But I want the world to know how amazing he is/was and what he means to me. So, sorry, Mark. Here it is.
27 January 2011 05:57am UTC • 230 views • 2 comments
Tagged with death, friend, marknelson, life
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2 comments
Anne Bonney
27 January 2011 10:17pm UTC
It's a pretty fantastic thing to be able to have someone influence your life in such a positive way like that. It seems like many of us (myself included) don't always think about how others influence us. So it's a truly great thing that you realize that influence. I don't know Mark, but I imagine that even if he didn't want this posted online, he would be happy to know how highly you think of him.
The Anonymous Poppy
29 January 2011 09:48pm UTC
Benji, this post is amazing. It's definitely among the most beautiful things I've ever read, and it has really made me think about friendship over the past few days. What do I value in my friends, and what do they value in me? What do I cultivate in myself as a friend? Etc. Thank you for this.