The Crack
This last weekend my fiance and I went on a backpacking trip to Canyonlands National Park. There isn't a whole lot to say about the trip specifically besides the fact that it was perfect.
Now, when I was seven years old I went on a camping trip with my parents and brother to Canyonlands National Park. During this trip we went on a hike. And for whatever reason this hike has been ingrained in my memory ever since. Seriously, I think about this hike all the time. Probably every time I am hiking in the canyon country of Utah. My dad remembers it well, too. Before Keri and I departed he said that the hike in Canyonlands was one of his favorite of all time.
Specifically I remember three events:
- We got lost. Maybe I remember this because it was the first time that I ever knew of us being lost?
- I had to step over a large crack. The sort of crack that I envisioned myself falling into and disappearing forever.
- My dad, my brother and I all peed at the same time off a cliff. I have no idea why I remember us peeing off this cliff so vividly, but I do. I think it was because all four of us (my mother included) were having such a great time laughing and goofing around (this was after we found the trail again). And it was just so darn funny that Nathan, my dad and I were all peeing at the same time! And the my mom was taking a photo of it!
I think this is really interesting because it says a lot about the way memory works. Or at least the way my memory works. Those three things are all I remember about that hike and that camping trip. I remember nothing about the camp site or the drive or the hiking. Looking back on growing up, life wasn't a continuous stream but a series of distinct events that shaped who I am. I know this isn't the case, but that's the way I remember it. I grew up one distinct memory at a time. There are many, many hikes I went on with my family when I was young but this is one I remember.
Memory especially works this way concerning my brother. I shared 8 years with him, but I only remember a few very specific episodes. I can't remember how he acted at the dinner table or the way he talked or really the way he looked, but boy do I remember losing our Koosh ball in the Christmas tree, or making Trail Blazers signs to put in our windows on a car trip when the Blazers were going to the playoffs (in 1990?), or getting "lost" with him in Laurelhurst on our bikes that one time (we weren't really lost, he was just pretending to get me riled up). And especially, peeing off that cliff with him and my dad.
So, when Keri and I were hiking around Canyonlands, I was on the look out for the places these very distinct memories took place. I didn't have a lot of hope about this, so much so that I didn't even mention it to Keri. I'm not even sure I was aware that I was on the look out myself. I see now that I was. But Canyonlands is a big place! 528 square miles big! The odds of Keri and I choosing to hike in the same place that my parents did and me recognizing it were pretty darn slim.
The crack is my most vivid image of the three memories from the hike. That's because this crack seriously scared me. The way I remembered it, it was on a long ledge sticking out over the canyon. the kind of ledge Wile E. Coyote would saw a hole in to try and finally catch the Road Runner with. But it was in the shade and at the opposite end of the crack was a cave. And I was certain there was a cougar living in that cave. And my dad wanted me to cross the crack at a point that seemed too wide to me. It was narrower farther towards the cave. So, I wanted to cross towards the cave but was terrified to get close to it. And then my dad yelled at me (like Dads are apt to do) to cross where he was telling me to. And I did. And it was fine. But man, I remember just being terrified!
Anyway, I got that Deja Vu feeling twice while hiking with Keri in Canyonlands and snapped a quick photo both times. The first one reminded me of when my family and I got lost, and the second one I was certain was the crack. It looked nothing like the crack I remembered, but it just felt like it.
Well, when we got back I was looking through the old photos from 1990 to see if any of them matched where Keri and I had been, and sure enough there is a photo of me that not one iota of me doubts is the same place from that first photo I took. Here's a comparison of the two. You can find key features in both those pictures that match up perfectly. Those photos are both taken in the exact same place! That bush is a lot bigger!
But this completely amazes me. That I was able to remember from 20 years ago what that place looked like and recognize it. That's just absolutely crazy!
Unfortunately, we don't have photos of the crack in the set from 20 years ago, so I can't compare images to know for certain if the crack I found was the crack that terrified me so much when I was seven. However, looking at the map, I can make a strong case for my photographed crack being the crack. I made a Google Map showing the trails we were trying to take, the location of the my first image (which I had remembered as being where we got lost) and the location of my photographed crack. I then added (in red) the route I think we accidentally took. As you can see it would take you right to my crack.
I'm convinced.
While hiking with Keri, I tried to keep an eye out for the place we peed, but I never found it. I guess you can't recollect everything.
But it's nice to be able to put concrete memories and pictures with those fuzzy ones from so long ago.
And interesting to see how my emotions associated with something shaped my memory of it. The crack really wasn't too bad!
And it's great to think that the place, the canyons and the trails in which Keri and I shared a perfect weekend, were the exact same ones in which my parents, my brother and I shared a perfect day hike so long ago.
21 April 2010 08:21am UTC • 245 views • 2 comments
Tagged with hiking, memory, remembering, parents, canyonlands, nathan, keri, backpacking
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2 comments
Steve the Interloper
21 April 2010 03:39pm UTC
Love this. You are certainly right about the two photos in the comparison. It's beautiful when life can fold back against itself like this.
Peon Peetie
22 April 2010 02:15pm UTC
this is wonderful! and i love that photo of the three of you.